Dane Cook Lyrics: At The Wall Lyrics

Dane Cook - At The Wall

Run-ins! I've been getting into some run-ins lately. Had a little run-in at a place called uh, Wal-greens, yeah, or as I call it, The Wall. I had a run-in with a guy down at The Wall. And I'm gonna tell you the whole story, but I'm so excited right now I'm gonna tell you the ending first. I'm gonna tell you the ending, and then we're gonna Tarantino it. We're gonna go from the end, we're gonna go backwards in time through this joke and figure out what I did to make this guy say what he said to me, and this is what he said, and I'm quoting, "I'll fucking kill you!" Let's go back, let's go back. I know you're like what?! What is it? Let's figure it out, let's figure it out. Once again, he said, I'll fucking kill you!" Let's go back. So I go into the wall, and right off the bat, I have to say, what is it about the Wall greens the second you walk in there you just wanna steal?

There's just something about the lighting that really makes you wanna steal half of the things. You still wanna pay for half. It's not stealing if you pay for half. But I'm not paying for scrunchies, I'm not. You just shove those in your pants. I don't need scrunchies but if I'm getting blown sometimes I like ta throw her hair in a, it's always good to have a banana clip or a scrunchie right near by me. Maybe some Aquanet, high five, love head. I'll fucking kill you! So here's how it went down, right here, OK? I had a problem with this guy right off the bat. And I'll tell you what the problem is. Let's say for the sake of argument, that the mic stand is the person end of the line, what I consider the official line. Let's just say this is a skinny black man, and he's staring at the gum. That's what you always do when you're in line, you stare at the gum. You just stare at all of the gum and you say to yourself, "God, that's a lot of gum. There are so many flavors of gum here, what do I wanna chew?"

The problem I have with the other gentleman is that he's not committed to the line. He's not standing in a way that says to me, "I'm a part of this community, I'm going on the journey with you to pay for my shit." He's doing that little floaty dance that people do where they don't stay at the line, they do this thing where they kinda, they do- it's called the floaty dance, and they touch everything, right? They just keep touching stuff. Here's my belief. If you're three feet away from the person in front of you, you're in line. If you're in the Pantene Pro-V section, laying down, reading US Weekly, you're not in line anymore. You can't just leave your shoe and walk around for 19 more minutes. I kick your shoe away. I say, fuck shoes, that's what I say. If you know anything about me and my history with shoes, I say fuck shoes! Your shoe does not represent you, neither here nor in a court of a law, you son of a b! Sorry to use harsh letters....he's a son of a b!

So this is what I decided. I made a decision, sometimes in life you have to make decisions. I made the decision, that I was going to do something I haven't done in ages. I was gonna cut in front of this guy. I was gonna do cutsies. Which I haven't done since, uh, eighth grade. But you know what, I still know how to do it. I still have the wherewithal to pull off a cut of epic proportions. And when you cut, it's not just, hey, you can't just flop around, you can't just flail in there. It's like double dutch, you gotta kinda, you gotta feel it, you gotta feel when it's time to go. Cutting is like double dutch, without ropes. I basically just told you what you already knew. Hahaha! So I waited till the guy was facing north-east-ish, and then I made my move, I did this, I went whooooo, and I slid, I just slid in. I know you're looking at me, you're like, "Whoa what? Where did Dane go?" I was like an illusion just then. That's how good that was. A couple of you were, "I'm concerned, where did Dane go?" I'm right here, I'm right here now. The first rule of cutting as you all know, once you're in the position, you never look past your periph ever again. You don't look past here ever again! Why turn and look a the face of doom staring back at you? No, you look towards the future, where there's a counter, and there's chap stick, and things maybe you didn't need in the store, but now that they're here, you're like, "Shit I do need tweezers!" You look towards the future! Because you know at some point, when who ever's coming around from their little floaty dance, they're gonna see that there's a different combination of color of clothing in front of them, and when they do the math, they're gonna realize, "I've been cut!" Haha!

There's two things that you can do when somebody cuts you, right? This is the gamble you take when you cut. Either you're gonna get the person who right away is like "Heyheyheyhey!" and they're gonna squash you back. Or you'll get the person, like this person and I'm so glad he did this, he didn't just say, "Uh you cut me", he opted to make angry sound effects. He comes back round, he's like "Pffffffffffff, uh, hahaha, uhhhhhhh, bbbrrrrrrrrt." That's what you do, you do this thing with your hand, where you point at the person's back, then you look at the people behind you. "Hahaha, right? pfffffft! grhrhhrhr!" But again, I've committed, I'm looking towards the future, I've got my one item, I've got some deodorant, which I needed, right? Even at that moment I would have liked to applied some 'cause I was under pressure. I get to the front of the line, and again, as I'm paying for the merchandise, I could- he;s behind me, and he's seething! He is seething! You could taste his anger, it was in the air, you could actually go, "Mmm, wow that's palpable, that man is very angry. Taste the air! He's really pissed!"

I paid for my merch, okay, and then I start heading towards the door, okay? And I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm collect, I'm being really savvy, the way I just kinda walk towards the door. But inside, I'm celebrating. I'm like "Shazam!" inside my head. That's what I say to myself when I'm excited. I say, "Shazam!" And I see myself doing this but I don't really do that, because if I didn't say that and just threw my hand up in the air, I'd look like I was in the Special Olympics or something like that. I start heading towards the door, okay, I'm excited, but this guy, again, he is so angry at this point that I got away with it, he finally just had to say something! He had to let me know how angry he was and I dunno why he went with this first, the first thing he just grabbed out of his brain, he went, "Yeah, nice!"

Which I thought was an interesting choice. Out of all the things you could say, and especially in that tone, you could say anything in that tone, and I'd get- "Yeah cinnamon bits! Yeah, seafood salad!" I get it, you're angry, but he went with yeah nice and that made me interested, and I was walking towards the door, I was like, "I've gotta look and see the face of the man who was so angry at me, he would say yeah nice!" So I take a few steps, and then I gander back, and we catch each other's eye, and then I added this little thing, I went, "Hahaha!" I don't think that was necessary, cause he immediately came back with, "Hahaha- I'll fucking kill you!"

Yeah! Look, I kept going towards the door, I'm still in cool calm collect mode, I'm still savvy, okay? The second I get outside the automatic doors, which when they open, always make you feel like a Jedi, like you did that shit with your mind! The second I get out of his eyeshot I start running to my car like a fucking gazelle. I'm actually hopping over cars. I'm very, very gazelle-like when I'm afraid. I get into my vehicle- *makes a peeling out noise* and take off. 'Cause I don't want this guy to come out and get my license plate number. I don't even want him to have that, because we all know that killers have a hook-up at the DMV. They always have a crazy friend that'll give em your address and all you're fucking info for like a steak dinner and a Charms blowpop or something. No, so I, *makes a peeling out noise* I take off, and then as I'm driving away in my vehicle, I start to think about, and I think, oh my god, can you imagine if this guy really killed me? Killed me just because I cut him in line! Killed me!" Finds where I live, right? I'm not home. Ppppfffft! Breaks in the door, hides in my closet for seven hours, talking to himself.

"Come home, hahaha, you're gonna die, come home, I'll show you who's boss!" Then I start wondering, what do you think he would he say to me? What he would say to me? What would be the last thing he would say right before he sliced my throat? Cause the killers in the movies have to say that one last cool thing. They step out of the alley. "Merry Christmas!" Hah. What do you think he would say right before he sliced my throat? Probably something like this, he'd probably come out and go "Who's cut now?" Ah! That'd be a good one, I'd have ta, 'Who's cut now?" Yeah! I don't know what he would say, but I do know what would piss him off. This would piss him off. What if as he was about to step out to slice my throat, someone just stepped in front of him and sliced my throat first. Oh, he'd be pissed!

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